3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I should be sponsored by Trojan
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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