he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
Randomize
