How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
Randomize
