I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
