Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
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