he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
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