Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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