youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
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