Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
Sober January is a disaster.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
Randomize
