She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
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