I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
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