New invention idea: vibrating tampons
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
I'm really busy with my period
Randomize
