Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
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