So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
