i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
Randomize
