That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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