Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Randomize
