He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
he just referred to himself as the billy mays of his frat.. heres how to order
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
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