Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
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