oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
Boobs are out for the taking
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Randomize
