im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
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