I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
I got her a Nickelback box set.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
