I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
My liver is preforming stress tests.
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Randomize
