I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
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