I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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