I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
