At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
I wish there were birth control emojis
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Randomize
