i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
