i jhust puked up my retainher.
I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
Randomize