Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Randomize
