Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
