All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
Randomize
