Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Randomize