My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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