Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
