We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Randomize
