This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
ugly people sure do ruin things
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
