I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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