Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
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