we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
