Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
Randomize
