I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Randomize
