for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
Randomize
