When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
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