awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
A+ Viking dick
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
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