I didn't shave. On purpose
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Randomize
