Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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