i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
I know her cup size but not her name....
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
Randomize
