It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
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