At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize