all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
Everclear isn't food dammit
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Randomize