I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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