i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
