i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
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