dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
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