sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Randomize
