There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
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