who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
Randomize
