PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
Randomize
