my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize